A Convenient Affair
by Duckula Sunk My ROFLship
Summary: Scotland & Wales start a relationship for the sole purpose of getting England angry.


**Author's Note: **_This fic was inspired by my friend __Flabagash, who doesn't know Hetalia and hasn't read my fics. However, when I was telling her about it, and about my own fan characters Scotland, Patrick, Seamus and Wales, she said that Scotland and Wales should get together and bitch about England. I did my best within the constraints of their personalities. I apologise if this fic seems like nothing much more than ramblings without much plot. I think I forgot where I was going with it. _

As Scotland crossed his legs Wales got an unpleasant flash of what was – or rather what _wasn't_ – under the kilt. He swallowed, but said nothing.

"Of course, you realise that I am _only_ doing this to worsen my relationship with Arthur?" Scotland asked him.

"Eventually, that's my goal too." Wales nodded.

"Good. Here are my terms of agreement." Scotland dug his reading glasses out of his pocket and studied the piece of paper in his hand. "There will be no _public_ displays of affection. Kissing will be limited to when Arthur is around. There will be _absolutely_ no sex. You will start to use Scottish products and shun _all_ English ones. This relationship will be broken up _as soon_ as I have gained what I want from it." He folded his glasses away when he had finished reading. "You know, I don't think he even cares about me any more. He's always off with that American chap, and he pays me no attention any more."

"I thought you hated Arthur," sneered Wales, a comment that earned him a stern glare from his eldest brother.

"I do. I didn't think you did though."

Wales just muttered something in Welsh.

"That's another thing," said Scotland, "if this relationship is going to work, you're going to have to work on your communication."

***

We'd had to stop by England's house to pick up some of his CDs and also a world map. I'd told him I already had a world map, but he said that the moon didn't revolve around me, and that I should know seeing as I'd been in space. He was collecting the CDs so that he could make me listen to them in the bedroom. It had been awkward trying to explain why he wanted the CDs to Canada, who was also with us. It had also been awkward when England had gotten angry after mentioning my moon landing, almost crashed the car, then made me follow him into the woods for a kiss.

He still didn't want anybody to know. We hadn't exactly been able to keep it from his four older brothers, who had seen us do it drunkenly in a bar – or "pub" as they like to all it – on St. Patrick's Day. As we stepped out of the car in front of England's house, though, it was obvious that Canada's thoughts were elsewhere. My brother's eyes grew wide and he started tickling the air by England's head with his finger.

"It's okay, guys, you remember Canada?" England was saying. I had seen him at this a couple of times before, but now Canada had caught it too. I'd never dreamt that it could be contagious.

"Have you gone mad?" I asked quietly, worried.

"Ca-can't you see them, America?" my brother asked me.

"This hamburger-shovelling hick never can." England said, jerking a thumb towards me. Then he spun around and Canada laughed. "Come on, guys, you know what happens when you do that. You get tickled!" cried England, and started running around the grounds of his house, chasing after nothing, Canada joining in after a moment. I watched for a while, tears forming in my eyes, before sitting back in the car next to Canada's bear.

"Who?" asked the bear, pointing towards the two figures running around outside.

"Sometimes I wonder myself…" I relied, not meaning Canada at all.

When England and Canada returned to the car I didn't make eye-contact with them. I didn't know what was going on. I sat hugging Canada's bear, lost in my thoughts. England reached over and took my hand in both of his.

"What is it, America? What's wrong?" I shrugged him off, and he exchanged a look with Canada before grabbing his keys and keys and heading towards the house. Canada walked beside him, and I lagged behind, hugging the white bear close to me. Canada went to the kitchen for a drink and I followed England up the stairs. When we got to his room I went and sat on the edge of his bed. England took the bear, put him on a chair, and embraced me.

"Go on," he murmured into my shoulder, "tell me what's wrong."

I said nothing for a while, just hugging him back.

"I don't want you guys to go mad," I said quietly, "especially not you."

"What – oh, you mean –" England sighed. "You don't have to worry about that, America. We're not going mad. I'm only crazy for you." He kissed me softly.

"Mm… Good… A-are they here now?" I asked tentatively, not quite sure what "they" were.

"No. They wanted to see Canada some more." England replied.

"So they wouldn't see if we…?"

"With Canada in the house?"

"He's in the kitchen, it's fine… I love you, England."

"My hero." he whispered back. Then he jumped up, placed the bear outside, put a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door, pressed 'Play' on the CD player, and immediately started undressing me.

We returned to the kitchen in high spirits, grinning and bright-eyed but not too dishevelled. England noticed that my tie was slightly askew, so he turned me to him and started sorting it out.

"Honestly! How do you even manage without me?" Then he went silent, his hands falling to his side. He still hadn't let that go. Then he saw two of his brothers, Scotland and Wales, also standing in the kitchen. They were holding hands. England's eyes grew wide, and he started pointing from one to the other.

"You… And _you?_" he asked incredulously. Scotland nodded gravely, and then held back a grimace as Wales gave him a peck on the cheek. But then Scotland's face showed dismay as England burst out laughing. "But you hate Drywyd, Lachlann! You hate everyone!" he cackled. However, Scotland quickly regained his composure.

"That's… Not true. I…" He forced out the next word, "Like Drywyd." England paused.

"But… You're married to me." he said.

"So? You're dating him!" Scotland nodded towards me.

"I'm doing no such thing!" denied England hotly, his face turning bright red. Scotland opened his mouth to say something, but Wales interrupted.

"Oh please! We all saw you two doing it in the pub that night!"

There was a silence.

"You _what?_" breathed Canada behind us. England spun around, horrified.

"I-it's not what it sounds like!" he cried, but Canada ignored him.

"Why didn't you tell me? I'm always the last to know anything! I'm always overlooked, excluded and ignored! I'm a part of this family too, you know! How did you think you could keep this from me when we're travelling together for a fortnight?!"

"I… I… No, he – they – we…" Canada looked at each of us in turn, then left the room.

"… What did he mean, he's a part of this family?" Scotland ventured.

"We're England's younger brothers." I said defensively.

"So… Technically what you're doing is incest?" he scoffed, "Oh, I can't wait to hear what Patrick has to say about this."

"Says you! We're not even blood relatives! What are you doing with Drywyd anyway? It's not like you couldn't do better; he's thousands of years old and still a virgin!"

"How can you say that? You know nothing about my sex life!" Wales yelled back.

"Walls have ears…" is all England would say in return.

Scotland pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Wales and I are only in a relationship of convenience." He admitted.

"Which I think I'm going to have to break off." Wales added quietly.

"What?"

"Lachlann… I'm breaking up with you." And with that, Wales walked past us and out the room. The kitchen was devoid of noise. Until,

"Hahahahaha! You must be the first person in history to have been dumped by Drywyd!" laughed England loudly, pointing right at Scotland. I was a little confused, because England had always told me it was rude to point. I took his other hand and he calmed down again.

"My relationship with Drywyd was successful. We've messed up your life more than even I could've hoped to, and in a much shorter time." Scotland said calmly.

England frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"That young Canadian didn't seem too pleased…"

"I squeezed England's hand. "Let's go and find him."

***

"It's hard being ignored all the time, isn't it?" Wales said gently from the doorway of the living-room. Canada looked up form the sofa. "I know how it is."

***

England and I entered the living-room and stopped. We'd found Canada all right. With his arms around Wales and his tongue down his throat. England shuffled his feet and coughed awkwardly, and they broke off the kiss, startled. I flashed a grin and a wink at Canada.

"These Brits aren't half bad, eh?" I said, linking arms with England and pulling him closer as Canada blushed.


End file.
